Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
