And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
