Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Randomize
