So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
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