just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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