Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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