im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
