The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
