I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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