He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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