phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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