wanna go halves on a baby?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
