My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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