just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
