Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
