Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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