You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
