well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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