I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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