Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Randomize
