But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Randomize
