my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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