pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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