Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
