I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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