I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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