So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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