Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
