Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
