I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
