I am puke
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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