I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
