I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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