Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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