Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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