In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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