How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
The best revenge is premature balding
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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