she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
