I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
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