Don't you send me to vm
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
