Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I woke up under a house in Key West
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
