Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I love you.
Bad choice
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
