I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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