you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
