Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
