just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
