TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
