Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
