I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
