My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
