weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
